Vici

[Ganges]

Trije managerji so se odločili, da gredo na dopust za 1 teden, da ga preživijo z ženami in otroci, da se skratka vrnejo med žive. Konec koncev
niso bili na dopustu že 15 let....

> Dogovorili so se, da se po dopustu srečajo v svoji najljubši
> restvraciji
> in si povedo, kako so se imeli.
> Čez en teden sedijo vsi trije za mizo v restavraciji.
>
> Eden ima počrnelo oko, drugi roko v gipsu, tretji pa sedi na
> invalidskem
> vozičku.
>
> Gledajo se in vzdihujejo, nakar začne pripovedovati tisti s črnim
> očesom:
>
> "Vse se je začelo idealno. Pripravil sem zajtrk in ga odnesel ženi v
> posteljo. Nato sem bral knjigo na terasi, pomagal otrokom pri domačih
> nalogah, pokosil travnik, počesal psa..... Zvečer sva z ženo odprla
> steklenico najboljšega vina in ga popila pred kaminom...nato sva se
> strastno ljubila.... ko sva končala, sem podzavestno iz denarnice vzel
> 100
>
> eurov. Žena je po****ila in me je nokautirala ."
>
> "Blagor tebi, še dobro si jo odnesel. Moj prvi dan je je minil podobno
> kot tvoj. Sprva je bilo vse odlično, vendar sem po seksu ravno tako
> vzel
> iz denarnice 100 eurov, žena pa je vzela iz torbice 20 eurov, da mi
> vrne drobiž. Takrat sem jaz po****il, zamahnil z roko proti ženi, ona
> se
> je izmaknila in tako sem udaril v zid in si zlomil roko."
>
> "Blagor vama obema, vidva sta vsaj seksala. Z ženo sva se ravno začela
> mečkati, ko je nekdo potrkal na vrata. Ona je zavpila "Joj, moj mož!",
> jaz sem se prestrašil, zgrabil obleko in skočil skozi okno...."

[ricmnc]

resnicna:
pride mozakar na postajo in vprasa listek za v ljubljano.
gospa na blagajni pa mu odgovori, da je zadnji vlak za sel mimo in da je naslednji naslednje jutro.
mozakar pa vprasa, ce je mozno se kaksen avtobus na rapolago.
gospa pa mu rece, da ona ne ve za avtobuse in da je tudi za avtobuse prepozno.
moz pa si rece: "kaj pa zdaj? avta nimam, avtobusov ni in vlakov ni..."
gospa pa: "pa bejzte peš!" se ujezi!
gospod: "ben, imaste prav, samo da ne gremo hodit!!!"

[Dragan]

Muji dosla tasta(punica) u goste.
Pita je Mujo dokle ce te ostati?
Tasta:Dok vam nedosadim.
Mujo:A sto ba tako kratko?

[denis jež]

Prečkata dve žabi cesto,eno od njih povozi avto in ji izbulji oči, druga pa vsa jezna reče ***** kaj buljiš kaj misliš da se jaz nisem ustrašla.

[Bassa]

Oče se je odločil da bo za pusta Adam. Tako pošlje sina v cvetličarno naj mu prinese kak figov list! Sin se odpravi in prinese list! Oče pogleda in mu reče da če hoče da bo njegovo orodje vidno prav vsem. Tako ga pošlje naj prinese večji list.
Sine cvetličarju obrazloži zakaj gre in ta mu da večji list in se pokaže pred očetom. Ta kmalu pop......., da kaj si sploh misli s tako ¨majhnimi¨ listi. Sine tudi malo razdražen gre še enkrat do cvetličarja. Cvetličar malo išče nato pomisli in reče sinkotu reci ti očetu naj raje poskusi tako;naj da jajca čez hrbet in penis v usta pa bo potapljač!!!!

[Uribobo]

Janezek vpraša župnika: "Gospod župnik, kakšna je razlika med mamo in atom?" "To je pa težko razložit," odgovori župnik. Janezek še vedno vztraja zato župnik popusti: "Dobro. Kakšno števlko čevljev nosi tvoja mama?" "38" "Kaj pa ata?" "43" "No vidiš,Janezek,med nogami je razlika."

Osemletni Janezek je gospo, mati edinčka, vprašal:
"Gospa, zakaj pa nimate več otrok?"
"Štorklja mi jih ni prinesla!" mu je pojasnila.
"Zakaj pa niste poskusili s kakšnim drugim tičem?"

Mož: "Žena, dajva se igrati Big Brotherja."
Žena: "No, pa dajva."
Mož: "Govori ti Big Brother. Imaš dve minuti časa, da zapustiš hišo."

[ricmnc]

gospod doktor, imam drisko!!!
AH, JA...STE POSKUSILI Z LIMONOM?
ja, seveda, samo nic ne pomaga! ko ga snamem se spet zlije kot iz skafa!!!!


gospod doktor! SI lahko naredim vano z drisko?
JA, SEVEDA, CE JO UTEGNETE NAPOLNIT CELO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lunj]

Pride mož precej nadelan zgodaj zjutraj domov, se previdno in potiho
sleče že na hodniku, pretihotapi v spalnico, počasi zlekne poleg žene
in zaspi, v upanju, da ni nič opazila. Ko odpre oči, je okrog njega
vse belo in poleg njega stoji človek, oblečen popolnoma v belo...
"Kaj pa to, kje pa sem, kaj počnete v moji spalnici?" je logično vprašanje.
"Moje ime je sv. Peter in tole in tvoja spalnica...".
Mož je zaprepaden: "Kdaj sem pa umrl, kako pa sem umrl, to ne more
biti res. A resno ni nobene možnosti, da bi se vrnil nazaj na zemljo?"
Mož z brado mu odvrne, da lahko, ampak je ena majhna kajla. Lahko se
vrne le kot pes ali kokoš.
Po krajšem razmisleku se odloči "Potem pa se bi rad vrnil nazaj kot
kokoš, raje bi preživel še nekaj časa na zemlji"
Pufff, rečeno storjeno, in naš junak z zanimanjem ogleduje svoje novo
oblačilo, peresa vsepovsod.
"Sploh ni tako slabo, prijetno toplo in lahkotno se počutim", tako da
skače malo okoli, malo kljuva po tleh, fino, skratka. Do njega pride
glavni petelin z dvorišča in mu reče
"aha, ti si torej nova kokoš tukaj, uživaš svoj prvi dan?"
"Ma ja, super je, ampak imam en tak čuden občutek, kot da bom vsak čas
eksplodiral."
"Nisi še nikoli valil jajc? To pomeni, da je jajce že skoraj zunaj, le
močno se napni in pritisni, pa boš videl"
In res, naš junak prtiska pritiska, nato pa fantastičen občutek,
boljši od vsakršnega orgazma in jajce pade na tla.
"Uf, tole je pa fantastično, poleg tega pa čutim, da je že novo na
poti." Spet pritisne, se napne, in waaaah, ogromno olajšanje in novo
jajce. Poleg tega še velik očutek materinskosti. Super, si misli sam
pri sebi, to da sem postal kokoš je bila najboljša stvar v celotnem
življenju!
Veselje se je le še povečevalo in ravno ko je skoraj izlegel že tretje
jajce, je začutil močan udarec po glavi in zaslišal ženo, ki vpije:
"Francelj, krava pijana, zbudi se, v posteljo serješ!!!!"

[janez valentic]

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there, a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away. I figured it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one which stepped out from the end of the feeder and I threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope!

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and some dignity. A deer - no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me accross the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me accross the gournd, I could still think clearly enought to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsiblity for the situration we were in, so I didnt' want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head - almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD! And it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I , being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it buys tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal - like a horse - strike at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do it try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.

This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work.

In the course of a millsecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all. Besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.

What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the prey.

http://straightshootn.com/forum/view...64&forum_id=13

[pumpa]

presodite sami ali spada med vice ali resne zadeve se pa tiče bol motoristev

http://www.yourfilehost.com:80/media...d_recovers.wmv